COLUMBUS, OHIO- Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today confessed to snorting cocaine before Wednesday night’s presidential debate. The startling admission came before a capacity packed crowd of supporters at a Columbus rally.
“I have something to confess,” he told red-wearing supporters in the key battleground state of Ohio. “I did something I probably shouldn’t have done last Wednesday night before the debate. My wife, Ann, and I went to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner before the debate and I excused myself to go to the restroom. While in the restroom, I snorted a line of cocaine. It made me feel good. I felt like I was flying and I needed that energy for the debate. I probably shouldn’t have done it…until after the debate.”
Romney supporters cheered louder than ever after the admission of drug use. Some in the crowd even chanted his name in support.
“Thank you, thank you,” said Romney to the frenzied crowd. “I’m glad to see everyone still behind me after revealing what I just did. And not for nothing, folks, but apparently that fine blow worked! I won that debate by a landslide! Yeah, baby!”
Republican pundits were quick to point out that Governor Romney’s admission of snorting coke was something President Obama would probably have hid from his Democratic supporters.
“This is good old Mitt just being honest to his backers,” said Chris Stein, a leading Republican voice on CNN. “You gotta love a man who looks his supporters in the eyes and tells them he snorted a line of coke before the debate. This is what America needs. An honest man in the White House.”
Romney went on to tell his supporters that there may be other surprises in store for future debates.
“Look, folks, I don’t want to let the cat out of the bag but I promise to experiment with other hardcore drugs before future debates!” he shouted over the roar of the crowd. “Anything to win a debate! Anything to win the White House! Let’s get this party started!”
Inothernewz.com has been able to track down the Denver dealer who supplied Mitt Romney with the cocaine before the debate. We spoke to him via telephone.
“Yeah, I hooked Mitt up, so what?” said the man who preferred not to be named for the interview due to his participation in dealing drugs. “We haggled over the price. He drives a hard bargain, man. He’s filthy rich but he’s a cheap bastard when it comes to his smack. We finally agreed on a price and one of my boys delivered it to one of Mitt’s Secret Service personnel. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.”
It is unclear at this point whether or not Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan will partake of any smack before the Vice Presidential debate next Thursday night.