General David Petraeus Admits To Having An Affair With Oprah Winfrey

Petraeus told members of Congress he loves Oprah this much.

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Ex-CIA Director General David Petraeus went to Capital Hill today to meet with lawmakers and spill his guts about an affair he had with television mogul and billionaire Oprah Winfrey. The four star general sat in front of a microphone and spoke candidly to members of Congress.

“I apologize to the nation and its citizens for my actions,” said Petraeus somberly. “My affair with Oprah Winfrey was hot and steamy, yes, but in no way did I ever compromise classified top secret data to her at any time. National security was never compromised while Oprah and myself were banging each other senseless.”

The ex-CIA director was grilled by senators about the incident, some even asking for specific details.

“So what you’re saying is you and Ms. Winfrey had relations, am I getting this right?” asked Senator John McCain of Arizona. “Please tell this chamber how Ms. Winfrey likes it? Does she like it rough? The reason I ask is because the American public has a right to know all the details of what the CIA Director was doing and with whom.”

Petraeus spent several hours answering questions, delving deep into their secret relationship, providing salacious details to the senators who seemed awestruck by the thought of sitting so close to someone who actually got laid.

“It just blows my mind that you had sexual intercourse with a woman,” said Senator Harry Reid, of Nevada. “Off the record, I haven’t had a woman since the Carter administration and I had to pay for her. On the record, I think this affair between you and Ms. Winfrey is shameful, General. I just hope you didn’t give it away for free. That woman is worth a ton of dough.” reached out to Oprah Winfrey for comment. Ms. Winfrey told us she had no comment other than to say the General is a real man between the sheets and fulfilled all her “white boy” desires.

Petraeus went on to say he met Winfrey at a charity event where they hit it off quite well. The evening, apparently, ended inside a tank.

“By the end of the night, I was drilling her inside the cockpit of a Sherman tank,” said Petraeus, while members of Congress sat stone silent, taking in his words. “She’s a wonderful lover and I adore her so much.”

General Petraeus’s wife sat behind him during the entire hearing. At one point she was heard muttering “degenerate prick” under her breath.

We will continue to update this story when we have further details.