Jennifer Lopez Leaving “American Idol” In Order To Fulfill Lifelong Dream Of Becoming A Nun

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Sister Mary Catherine Jennifer Lopez shown here in an undated photo

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA- Say hello to Sister Mary Catherine Jennifer Lopez!

Sources close to the 42 year-old singer have confirmed Jennifer Lopez is leaving American Idol in order to fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming a nun. Which convent Lopez will enter is still unknown at this time, however.

“Jenny’s been in love with Jesus since as far back as I can remember,” said a source close to Lopez. “She thought it was time to say goodbye to American Idol and concentrate on what she was really meant for. The money, glitz and glamor are one thing, but getting your Jesus on is another. Jenny will make a great nun.”

Lopez announced her intentions to leave television’s most popular show on Wednesday, along with a massive paycheck. Several television execs seemed stunned by the news of her departure.

“How anyone could possibly abandon all that money is beyond me,” said Katherine Kreider, an executive at FOX, the network that televises Idol. ”Sometimes you wonder if people have their priorities straight. Being religious and loving Jesus is one thing but walking away from millions of dollars is another. God help her.”

The source close to Lopez said the Bronx-born starlet would try to enter a convent somewhere on the West Coast, preferring the nice weather over harsh East Coast winters.

“Jenny loves the warm weather and I know she’ll want to embark upon her sisterly duties in the California sunshine,” the source said. “I’m so excited for her. She’s been talking about becoming a nun for so many years. I guess she just got tired of the money and the conveniences it brings to one’s life.”

Inothernewz.com reached out to Jennifer Lopez for comment. We were told by her agent that the singer had no comment but to say that she will be selling everything she owns on Ebay within the next few weeks so that she could enter the convent with no worldly possessions. She also plans to donate all of her money to her mother, who according to the source will invest the money wisely.

“Jenny’s mom is a wonderful gambler,” said the source. “She’s heading to Atlantic City as soon as she gets the money. My prediction is she doubles it within a few hours. Really, she’s that good.”

No word yet on who will replace Lopez. Certain names are starting to emerge as frontrunners, however. Jessica Simpson is said to be interested in the gig as long as she can breastfeed her newborn baby girl on live television. FOX executives may consider the idea as a ratings ploy.

Stay tuned Idol fans!

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Report: The Venetian To Change Its Name To The Holy Vatican Hotel And Casino To Lure More Catholic Gamblers

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From Sin City to Catholic City?

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA- Various confirmed reports coming out of Sin City detail a plan by The Venetian Resort Hotel Casino to change its name to The Holy Vatican Hotel and Casino in order to attract Catholic gamblers. The striking move is aimed at increasing revenue from a  demographic usually too conservative to gamble.

“As everyone knows, we’re experiencing a tough economic time in our nation’s history and particularly in Las Vegas,” said David Palmer, spokesman for The Venetian. “We needed to drive more revenue to our hotel and attract new players, especially Catholic patrons. We believe this move to change our hotel’s name will prove to be a smart one, financially speaking.”

The name change will take place on June 1, 2012 and will run through the end of the year, according to Palmer.

“We thought the summer season would benefit greatly by the name change and we wanted it to run right through Christmas so all the wonderful Catholics across the world could pilgrimage to our hotel,” Palmer said. “We even plan to have a Pope Benedict look-alike walk throughout the casino on certain days to bless our loyal slot players.”

Palmer said several Catholic churches across the western United States have contacted him and his colleagues, requesting room rates for the upcoming summer months. The finely furnished rooms, according to Palmer, will be updated to include some crucial elements to please their newest players.

“Every room in The Holy Vatican Hotel and Casino will have ample crucifixes and a dozen Bibles for our members to enjoy throughout their stay,” he said. “Mass will be held each and every Sunday as well, obviously. Our goal is to bring in the best priests money can buy in order to accommodate our Catholic players.”

Palmer also stated several interior areas of the casino would be given new names to commemorate the occasion.

“We already have some ideas in the works including renaming our signature buffet as ‘The Holy Grail Buffet’ and also renaming our penny slot room as ‘JesusVille Slots’ to better connect with our gamers. Our dance club, ‘TAO’, will be renamed ‘Holy Cross’ and will have the big Buddha statues replaced with life-size Madonnas.”

Blessing of The Holy Vatican Hotel and Casino will take place Memorial Day weekend and tickets are on a first-come first-serve basis, according to Palmer, who stressed the proceeds of the ticket sales will help fund Catholic orphanages around the world.

“Come on down to Vegas and save some kids,” Palmer urged. “You won’t regret it!”

 

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Mark Zuckerberg Purchases The Taj Mahal; Plans To Headquarter Facebook There

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The new Facebook world headquarters - The Taj Mahal

AGRA, INDIA- Who knew the iconic Taj Mahal was even for sale?

Mark Zuckerberg, founder and CEO of Facebook, announced today that he had purchased the Taj Mahal from India in an all-cash deal reportedly worth one billion dollars. Zuckerberg said he planned to make the site the official world headquarters of his Facebook empire.

“Facebook is probably the grandest company in the world and it deserved to be headquartered in one of the grandest structures known to man,” Zuckerberg said, standing outside the front entrance of the Taj Mahal, wearing only a hoodie, jeans and flip-flops. “Today is a significant day in the history of Facebook. We are a global empire and now we have the digs to prove it.”

The Indian government sold the Taj Mahal to Zuckerberg after he upped his offer to a billion dollars, according to several sources with inside information to the transaction.

“It was a no-go until the figure hit the billion dollar mark,” said a source from the Indian government. “India loves the Taj Mahal and everything but we’re talking about a billion bucks. That’s a supremely large number!”

Zuckerberg told reporters he planned to move Facebook from its Menlo Park, California headquarters within a matter of weeks.

“I don’t anticipate any problems with the move,” he said, candidly. “We’ll make sure everything goes smoothly. We’re very lucky to have a partner in India. Oh, and the income taxes here are pretty much non-existent so that’s a good thing too.”

Zuckerberg mentioned he had other locations in mind before finally settling on the great white domed structure built in 1632 and officially recognized as a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 1983.

“Our search took us all over the globe, to be very honest,” he said. “We considered many other top notch locations ranging from France to Japan to Australia but we were convinced the Taj Mahal would be make the grandest statement for our company headquarters. Did I mention the income taxes here are like zero? Because they’re dirt low.”

Indian government officials welcomed Facebook’s move to Agra with open arms, considering the important economic impact the corporation would have on the region.

“Yes! Yes! Very good! We need money!” said Sanjay Patel, a spokesman for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

No word yet on whether or not the move to India will have any effect on Facebook’s upcoming IPO. Wall Street insiders remained mum on the issue.

“India?!?! What the f*ck is Zucks doing?” tweeted Goldman Sachs Chairman and CEO Lloyd Blankfein. “No comment, sorry.”

Only time will tell if Wall Street embraces the move or not. Stay tuned!

 

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Boston School Board Suspends Teacher Over Teaching The Letter R

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Mayor Menino laughs at reporter who pronounces the letter R

BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS- The Boston School Board has suspended a kindergarten teacher over teaching her students the letter R in class, announced the city’s mayor, Thomas Menino, today.

“I am appalled and mortified by this teacheh’s actions and fully support the Bahston School Board’s decision fuh suspension,” said Mayor Thomas Menino, a five term Democrat. “This kind of behavioh will not be tolerated undeh my watch and you can bet it won’t happen eveh again.”

The teacher, who teaches five year-olds at an undisclosed school in Boston, is described as a 33 year-old woman who recently moved from Florida in order to accept the job as kindergarten instructor. The woman’s name has been withheld due to the possibility of severe retribution from area parents.

“I’m just glad this kind of thing didn’t happen in my son’s school,” said Walt Stever, 40, of Boston. “I would have run ovah that bitch with my cah! You don’t pull that kind of shit in Beantown. Not with ouh kids!”

Menino, who held a press conference in City Hall to announce the alleged misconduct, said his office would further investigate the teacher and find out if any other instructors from the school have been trying to teach the children the letter R in the past. If any further violations were to be found, Menino insisted the punishment wouldn’t be pretty.

“Let me make one thing crystal cleah,” he said, sternly. “We won’t stop investigating until we get to the bottom of this and I promise to fully disclose the results of ouh investigation in the coming weeks. Needless to say, if we find out that otheh teachehs have tried to pull this tactic on ouh kids, we will punish them with full suspensions sans pay.”

Inothernewz.com’s sources inside the school district confirmed the teacher’s name and we contacted her mother in Florida for comment.

“This is such a mess,” said her mother, who desired to remain anonymous. “All my daughter wanted to do was go up there and make a difference, to teach little kids the full alphabet. But I guess that kind of thing is frowned upon in Boston. I hope she comes back to Florida. We value the letter R here.”

“We don’t want no smahty pants broad teachin’ ouh kids this crap!” said Kate Murphy, a 31 year-old mother of two little girls. “If we wanted to learn about the freakin’ letteh then we’d move to Nebraska or somethin’.”

The investigation continues.

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Kate Middleton Admits To Torrid Affair With David Hasselhoff

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Kate says David really knew how to please her!

LONDON, ENGLAND- Talk about a royal shocker!

Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, today confirmed she has been having an ongoing affair with ex-Baywatch star David Hasselhoff. Middleton spoke to reporters inside Buckingham Palace with her husband, Prince William Duke of Cambridge, beside her.

“Today is a terrible day for me and the royal family as I have brought scandal to our home,” Middleton said, fighting back tears. “It’s true that I have been having an unbelievably hot and steamy affair with David Hasselhoff, who has been a crush of mine since the late nineties when I used to watch Baywatch religiously with my sister Pippa.”

The news came as a complete shocker and rattled the royal family to its very foundation, according to several British journalists Inothernewz.com spoke to.

“My sources tell me the Queen is very displeased with young Kate,” said Steven Everton, journalist and royal family commentator. “Everyone knows the Queen fancies Justin Bieber but Kate’s affair with David Hasselhoff has hit the family quite hard, especially Her Royal Highness.”

Prince William had no comment during the announcement but stood beside his bride solemnly, shaking his head at times and making gagging gestures at others while Kate went on to explain in lucid detail the many different positions Hasselhoff enjoyed with her.

“I was pleasantly surprised at the superhuman strength and stamina David showed during our two hour trysts,” said Middleton. “I felt very shameful about cheating on my loving husband during those steamy encounters but David really knew how to please me so I eventually forgot all about William. I’m very sorry about that.”

Inothernewz.com reached out to David Hasselhoff and his representatives but were told the 59 year-old actor, singer and producer had no comment except to say that his sexual stamina is legendary and that he could have gone on with Kate for another couple hours had it not been for a pressing business appointment.

It’s unknown whether or not the Duke and Duchess will undergo any sort of couples therapy to repair their fractured relationship but the Duke’s father, Prince Charles, seemed disgusted by Kate’s announcement.

“I can’t fathom how someone can be so low to cheat on their spouse,” he told Inothernewz.com via telephone. “It’s truly a hideous thing to do to someone you’re supposed to love forever. Truly hideous, I say!”

Prince Charles then went on to say, “I say, my good chap. Do you know if that lovely vixen Pamela Anderson is still around and kicking? I’d like to ring her up and ask her over for a spot of tea.”

Yeah right, pal.

 

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Jerry Sandusky Opening Day Care Center To Prove He’s Not A Pedophile

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"Jerry's Happy Place" coming soon!

UNIVERSITY PARK, PENNSYLVANIA- Jerry Sandusky, the disgraced ex-assistant football coach at Penn State University accused of sexually molesting over 40 boys during a 15 year period, is apparently making a major comeback.

“I’m thrilled to announce today that I’m opening a day care center for young children next month and I plan to supervise the kiddies myself,” said Sandusky to a throng of reporters outside his modest home. “I plan on showing the world that I’m not the monster they make me out to be.”

The establishment, according to the 68 year-old, will be named “Jerry’s Happy Place” and will have the capacity to house over 40 children, all ranging between the ages of 3 to 10.

“I can’t wait for ‘Jerry’s Happy Place’ to open its doors to all the young and innocent children living in our wonderful community,” said Sandusky, grinning rather eerily. “I want every parent to know that I’m a good and decent person and that I’ll take care of your kids the best way I know how. Nothing bad will happen to your children. You have my word.”

Sandusky’s attorney, Kenneth Dresden, told Inothernewz.com he believed this was a smart idea by his client to prove to the media and public opinion that Sandusky is a genuinely good-hearted, concerned man.

“I’ve seen Jerry interact with kids before and I wasn’t concerned with the amount of touching my client initiates,” said Dresden, who admitted he declined bringing his own children to meet Sandusky. “This day care center will change the tide in our favor and garner positive responses throughout the community. A few bad touches here and there may happen but hopefully no one will see anything.”

Several parents Inothernewz.com spoke to seemed ambivalent about the new day care center headed by the alleged child molester.

“I went to Penn State University and I have the highest regards for the late Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky so I don’t see it as an issue if I enroll my four year-old son into the program,” said Stan Chenkoff, 44. “It would be an honor for my little Joey to be under Jerry’s wing.”

“I’d rather have my child looked after by a group of Russian mobsters,” said Tanya Hopely, 31, and mother of a five year-old boy. “I wouldn’t trust Sandusky with his own grandkids, much less my son.”

Sandusky stressed to the media that surveillance cameras would not be permitted inside the day care center and that any snoopy parents would be banned from the facility immediately.

“‘Jerry’s Happy Place’ will be a place of trust and warmth,” said Sandusky. “I want your young boys and girls to feel at home, that’s all.”

Enrollment starts next week.

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U.S. Drone Attack Kills Four Penguins Suspected Of Al-Qaeda Links

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The suspected Al-Qaeda penguins shown here in an undated photo

WASHINGTON, D.C- Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced today the United States had killed four penguins in Antarctica suspected of having close ties with terrorist group Al-Qaeda. The attack, coordinated by the Pentagon, took place via an unmanned drone flying high over an area well-known for fostering terrorist penguins.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we got them!” Panetta said jubilantly to the assembled group of media at the Pentagon. “We have successfully killed four militant penguins associated with Al-Qaeda’s Antarctica division. This is a good day for America.”

The penguins had been suspected of conspiring to commit acts of violence against the United States in the coming months, according to the Defense Secretary.

“We’ve been tracking these penguins for a few months now and our intel suggested they were ready to launch an attack on our shores,” said Panetta. “Most of the intel is classified but I can tell you that we were worried about them swimming to California or Florida and unleashing some sort of dirty bomb.”

After the attack took place, the United States sent in a team of Navy SEALs to tag and bag the penguins. DNA testing was also done at the scene of the bombing to confirm their identities.

“This was a crisp mission with no room for error,” said Panetta. “We really couldn’t afford to make a mistake with these dangerous penguins. This could have been our one and only shot at killing them.”

Sources inside the White House confirm the President was consulted before the drone attack and that it was his go-ahead that triggered the bombing.

“The President was rustled from his sleep and debriefed immediately before he gave the okay to proceed,” said a source close to the President. “It was a gut-wrenching moment. Imagine if we had bombed the wrong penguins. Animal rights groups would have been all over this and it would have been a huge public relations nightmare.”

Panetta declined to say whether or not pictures had been taken of the dead penguins or if the photos would ever be released to the public.

“I won’t confirm anything regarding photos but needless to say their bodies were maimed in a gruesome fashion,” said Panetta. “It’s not for the faint of heart.”

The Defense Secretary did say, however, that the United States will continue to pursue dangerous terrorist elements living and swimming along the Antarctica coastline.

“We just opened up a can of whoop-ass on these terrorist penguins and there’s no stopping the United States as we pursue others,” said Panetta.

USA! USA! USA!

 

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The Romneys Set To Sing Duet On “The Voice” To Attract Young Voters

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Move over Sonny and Cher, here come the Romneys

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA- The Romney campaign announced today that Mitt and Ann Romney will be guests on the popular music show The Voice next week. The Romneys will sing a duet according to the campaign in order to entice younger voters to choose the former Republican governor of Massachusetts come November.

“Mitt and Ann realize how important the young vote is in this country,” said Phillip Deams, Romney campaign spokesman. “They also realize just how popular of a show The Voice is. Their desired demographic loves the program and it would give us a fantastic opportunity to reach out to the young crowd.”

Deams went on to say that the Romneys plan on singing something patriotic to push their message across.

“I can’t divulge what song they’re planning on belting out because it’s highly classified but it’ll definitely strike a chord with real ordinary Americans,” said Deams. “We’ve worked very hard to pick the proper song for Mitt and Ann and I believe they’ll connect wonderfully.”

Sources inside the Romney campaign have confirmed to Inothernewz.com that the couple have been actively taking singing lessons with a world renowned voice coach for the past month. The lessons, according to various sources, have gone quite well.

It will be interesting to watch the judges’ reactions to the Romney’s duets. The four panel judges include worldwide singing sensations such as Adam Levine, Cee Lo Green, Blake Shelton and Christina Aguilera.

“Needless to say the judges won’t be judging the Romneys for obvious reasons since they’re not contestants,” said Deams. “We’re doing this for publicity and we expect them to be polite and affable. Any bad critiques will be edited out, obviously.”

The Romneys need a major turnout from the younger crowd during November’s presidential election like the wave of support that carried Barrack Obama to the White House four years ago. The Romneys, according to Deams, may try to work their way onto other popular shows if everything goes well on The Voice.

“We’re in preliminary talks with Dancing With The Stars and The Amazing Race at the moment,” said Deams. “Everything hinges on their appearance on The Voice.”

Inothernewz.com reached out to a couple of the judges for comment about the surprise announcement.

“I think they’ll be terrific,” said Cee Lo Green, via telephone. “They look great together and Ann Romney is a lovely looking piece of pie.”

“They’re so cute together,” said Christina Aguilera. “I bet they’re swingers!”

Let’s hope not, Christina.

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Climatologists Blame Kate Upton’s Hotness For Contributing To Global Warming

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Kate Upton: Accused of jump starting global warming

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA- Climatologists at Florida State University held a news conference today to blame swimsuit model and ridiculous hottie Kate Upton for contributing to global warming. The panel of scientists unveiled complex-looking charts showing a rise in the Earth’s temperature since Kate Upton’s launch in fame.

“We’ve spent many days and weeks accumulating iron-clad data to form our conclusion,” said Dr. Herbert Stormer, senior climatologist and lead researcher at Florida State University. “Our conclusion states that Ms. Upton’s seductive sultriness is to blame for the jump in our planet’s temperature.”

Scientists elucidated upon tedious bits of data in front of the assembled press to prove their theory. Stormer and his colleagues presented evidence while cameras flashed and reporters scribbled on their notepads.

“As you can plainly see here on this graph, the city of Paris experienced a ten degree rise this past February when Ms. Upton was there modeling for Chanel,” said Stormer. “In March, Ms. Upton was in New York City and they experienced one of the warmest Marches on record. Not to mention the fifteen degree rise in temperature Stockholm, Sweden experienced last December while Ms. Upton was in town for promotional purposes. Stockholm has never been so warm in December!”

One reporter asked Dr. Stormer what all that data meant.

“It means Ms. Upton is so hot she’s elevating the earth’s temperature, thus contributing to the global warming phenomenon,” said Stormer. “It is my firm belief that It would be in the best interest of the planet to house Ms. Upton on Antarctica. She may melt a few icebergs but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.”

Inothernewz.com reached out to Upton- who was this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover model- for reaction to the climatologist’s claim of her playing a primary role in exacerbating global warming.

“He’s probably right,” she said via telephone. “I’m the hottest thing on two feet so I guess I’m sorry for making the world warmer. I can’t help it, you know?”

Stormer and his colleagues predicted warmer years to come as Upton’s popularity continues to rise.

“My God, this young lady is only nineteen and she’s causing this much environmental ruckus,” said Stormer, aghast. “Imagine how hot the world will be in five or six years when Ms. Upton hits her peak. Every day might be a complete scorcher for planet Earth.”

Former Vice President and global warming advocate Al Gore, meanwhile, said he would need time to go over the Florida State data and study some sultry pictures of Kate Upton before he would be able to come to his own conclusion.

“Damn, she’s pretty hot!” he said, via telephone. “These FSU scientists might have a good point but I’ll let the world know what I think in a few days. I have a bunch of charts and pictures to study.”

Take your time, sir. We here at Inothernewz.com sure would!

 

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Jessica Simpson’s Newborn Girl Agrees to Record Deal

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Proud mother of the next music icon

LONDON, ENGLAND- Jessica Simpson’s newborn girl, Maxwell, has already agreed to a record deal with prestigious EMI Music, signaling the first time in the history of the music industry that a newborn baby has signed with a major label.

“We had no reservations about offering little Maxwell a hefty contract,” said Roger Faxon, CEO of London-based EMI Music. “We trust that Maxwell has pipes just like her mother. Quite frankly, it was a no-brainer for us.”

Maxwell Drew Johnson, born on May 1, 2012, will record her first album the minute she learns how to speak, said Faxon, who clearly has been indulging in a steady diet of illegal drugs for offering a baby such a deal. Sources inside EMI Music say the deal is worth tens of millions of dollars.

“Maxwell is the future of EMI, there’s absolutely no doubt about it,” he said from his posh London office. “Our company is based on a multitude of talent reaching every continent. Mark my words. As Maxwell goes, so will EMI. We’re very happy with this deal.”

Meanwhile, back in California, Jessica Simpson spoke to Inothernewz.com about the prospect of seeing her little girl blossom into a major music star.

“I just gave birth and I received a phone call in the middle of the night from Mr. Faxon begging me to let Maxwell sign a record deal with EMI,” recalled Simpson. “I thought it was a joke but then Mr. Faxon persisted and threw out a ridiculously large sum of money and I knew he was either stone cold serious or on really bad drugs. It’s going to be absolutely wonderful to see my little girl grow up and follow in my footsteps. I can already see it now.”

Faxon confirmed EMI will be hiring a voice coach for the newborn as soon as she utters “mama” or “dada” and that everything should progress steadily from that point on.

“I have the utmost confidence in Maxwell,” he said. “I have a hunch that lovely little babe will learn to speak very early on. Maybe in a couple of months. My mother told me I began speaking coherent sentences right out of the womb, so anything is possible.”

No word yet on when Maxwell’s first music video will be shot but sources from EMI tell Inothernewz.com that they plan on shooting the first music video featuring a toddler in diapers.

“It’s going to be revolutionary,” said a source. “EMI will break new ground in music. Spectacular, isn’t it?”

Somewhere, Simon Cowell is cringing.

 

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